Mar 13, 20223 min read

Satisfaction = Reality - Expectations

Demand a lot from yourself and expect little from others. This will save you a lot of trouble. (Confucius, Chinese philosopher. He probably lived from 551 BC to 479 BC).

Expectations are ideas of people on events and goals directed into the future.

They are anticipated ideas of events that are suspected, wanted, feared, desired or hoped for. In imagination or expectation, a person makes the world as he or she wishes it to be. However, the world and people are as they are and do not conform to expectations. People who have a self-determined, fulfilled and happy life in the here and now have lower expectations.

Disappointed expectations

And so the expectations that are inevitably disappointed from this attitude often take up a lot of space in many people. Expectation pushes us into a victim role. I am no longer the active creator, but the victim who reacts to the result of my expectation. The greater, higher and more concrete the expectations of the future are, the greater will be the disappointment resulting from reality. This disappointment then expresses itself in the form of anger, defiance and aggression. An attitude of expectation always means I am waiting for the result of my own individual ideas. With it the person goes however into a passive attitude. As a result, the person is confronted with reality; things that do or do not happen.

Expectations in interpersonal relationships

In interpersonal relationships, these behavior patterns are usually projected onto the relationship partner. However, the original anger is present in the person with the expectation, the relationship partner only triggers it with his behavior. The cause of these behavior patterns are unfulfilled expectations in childhood - mostly those of the parents. These are reactivated by the relationship partner. A gap develops between expectations and reality.

Expectations and needs

Behind expectations there are always needs. The question everyone should always ask is: which needs are not being met? What are the concrete needs? External expectations are always based on an internal deficiency. This lack in the inside should be compensated by the outside.

A voluntarily and gladly given help is something wonderful, but with an expectation or even a demand for help I take away the freedom of the helper to act as he would have liked to. Because now he feels the obligation and from wanting to help becomes having to help and the retreat is pre-programmed.

Expectations make people lonely, small and dependent.

In interpersonal relationships, expectations often take up a lot of space. If I cannot relate to myself, the deficit is filled by using the partner. A feeling of dependence develops. It becomes unbearable when ideas and expectations are not fulfilled because the partner lives his own life.

Encounter can only take place where there is no obstacle, no demand, no expectation, no compulsion, no purpose. Encounter is always immediate and reciprocal, oriented to the respective individual abilities and not to deficits.

Too high expectations as a problematic factor in relationships

Everyone has different ways of dealing with expectations of others. For example, a person may feel pressured by high expectations. On the other hand, high expectations can also be accepted as a challenge.

Often there are "silent" unspoken expectations in relationships. One person assumes something, but this has not been agreed upon or discussed with the other person. In effect, a "silent, one-sided contract" has been made. These can only rarely - rather accidentally - be fulfilled by the relationship partner.

Expectations can therefore put a lot of strain on a relationship. Especially if the expectations are unrealistic, unfair or very large. And especially if the person to whom the expectation is directed has to change fundamentally.

Questions on the topic of expectations

How much space do I give the person with my expectations?
Am I willing to reflect on myself?
Are my expectations achievable, realistic?
Are my expectations too great, unfair?
How much of the responsibility lies with me?
Have I clearly formulated my expectations?
How do I deal with the expectations of others such as parents, children, partners or friends?

Tips for dealing with expectations

Separate expectations from judgments.
An expectation-free life is hardly possible, don't expect too much from yourself!
Detach yourself from the idea that expectations must be fulfilled. (Let go!)
A person with an expectation should always ask himself first: "the change starts with me!"
Separate expectations from judgments.
An expectation-free life is hardly possible, don't expect too much from yourself!
Detach from the idea expectations must be fulfilled. (Let go!)
A person with an expectation should always ask himself first: "the change begins with me!"