"Life immediately becomes easier when you let go of what you can't control." (Frank Rebmann)
Author: Stephan Michalik; 21.03.2022
Causes of need for control
The cause of control behavior of people are always fears.
Fear of losing something, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of showing feelings and thus making oneself vulnerable. Fear - quite simply, of losing control.
Especially when needs such as bonding, belonging, or material security are considered at risk, it is often a person's natural impulse to want to control the situation.
For example, the fear of losing one's job can lead to a fear of making mistakes. This leads to a strong urge to control whether everything that has been done is correct. As a result, there is a loss of productivity, fear of trying new things that are difficult to control because they are new and unknown.
In partnerships, a need for control can be based on a fear of loss. The fear of losing the partner can lead to controlling or possessive behavior. Questions then often arise such as: Where have you been? What did you do? Who have you been seeing? Thus, part of the need for control is wanting to act out dominance.
Behind this behavior is often the belief: "Trust is good, control is better." (Vladimir Ilyich Leni)
Basic need for security and control
According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs (American psychologist Abraham Maslow 1908-1970), the need for security and control is one of the basic needs of every human being.
Mostly, the cause of a need for control is the desire to protect one's own inner vulnerability.
In this way, dominant, controlling behavior is intended to prevent the reliving of childhood experiences, experiences and resulting fears. For example, if a person has suffered a loss of control such as loneliness in childhood, which may have been very painful, he or she tries to avoid this experience in the future. And this as long as this experience has not been worked through, resolved and integrated into the present adult personality.
Need for control can be divided into three aspects:
The need to control, dominate, determine others.
The urge to shape and determine one's own life.
The desire to leave control to others such as the state or one's partner.
Control in crises
In stressful situations, a person often reflexively acts in a controlling manner, assuming that this will influence the situation in a desired direction. However, control usually produces exactly the opposite: control creates pressure and stress, control costs energy.
In crisis situations, unconscious scenarios are often generated in the mind, which can lead to fearful feelings and thus fear-driven behavior. As a result of this fear, the wrong decisions are often made, which would not have been made in this way with clear consciousness.
Set aside the need for control
So too much control is very limiting, creates negative feelings, makes you unhappier, lonelier. The more important control is to us, the higher the stress level. You cannot control life - that is an illusion!
So, to give up the need for control, the compulsion to control, or at least to reduce it, is an important factor in the personality development of a person.
Only how can this be achieved?
The opposite of control is trust. Control in life, control to other people and above all control to oneself. And the decisive step towards more trust is letting go and acceptance.
As a manager, it is of central importance to be able to trust employees, to no longer want to do everything yourself. In the long run, a partnership can only be fulfilled with trust; jealousy is the opposite of trust. Wanting to control employees or the partner will sooner or later lead to defensive and avoidant behavior.
"Letting go" and "acceptance" can come from confronting the worst case scenarios: Imagining what is the worst that could happen at this moment?
Through the fear! So imagining the maximum loss of control concretely helps in most cases to dissolve this fear. And to go with it into the confidence.
Questions about the individual need for control:
Why am I trying to control?
Which areas in my life do I control? Often these are more areas than are apparent at first glance.
Which people do I try to control?
How does my controlling behavior manifest itself concretely? What causes my controlling behavior?
What fears lie behind my need to control? Recognize the fear behind it.
Here are our tips and recommendations for getting rid of the need to control (IATCL):
Insight: Recognize your own need for control.
Acceptance: Accept the need for control as such.
Trying: Trying new ways, new behavior. What is it like to behave in a non-controlling way in a specific situation?
Confrontation: Confronting the underlying fears. Asking yourself the question What if the worst possible scenario occurs?
Letting go: Letting go of what I can't control! Admit to yourself that control is an illusion.
(Translated with www.DeepL.com)
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